Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Natural Born Dee-JAYS


Though I've yet to hammer out any contract, I consider Two Guys Named Chris the official morning show of Viewfinder BLUES. The reasons are many: Chris Kelly and I worked together briefly during his own turgid TV career. I once chased Deidre James through a Piedmont living room as she bestowed Christmas presents on an unsuspecting family. Having broken into broadcasting via radio myself (and summarily sucking at it), I have a heightened appreciation for Natural Born Dee-JAYS like Chris Demm. Mostly though, they brighten my morning commute. Unlike the piped-in platter of some faraway station's hard-drive, Rock 92's a.m. show is live and local; a tough act to pull off in today's syndication-heavy radio universe. But pull it off they do - with recurring characters, local media sleazebags and humor of the penile variety. What more can you ask for on your way to work?

I'll tell you what: competition. Every morning, the erudite Chris (Demm - not that dopey oaf Kelly) puts his rock-and-roll acumen on the line, taking on a new challenger each morning in a music trivia showdown of biblical proportions. Most days, I'm only a mile or two shy of El Ocho when the call for contestants goes out and most days I lunge for the cell phone like some Pavlovian dog. I rarely get through, but when I do I'm treated like a welcome guest - a strange sensation for a photog used to folks in handcuffs hocking logies at him. Lack of spittle aside though, Demm offers no quarter, routinely crushing my own trivia reservoir with his preternatural knowledge of everything rock-n-roll. You'd think the guy worked in radio all his adult life! Oh well, like being nominated for an Oscar, losing to Demm is something of an honor.

That's exactly what happened today as Deidre and the Guys exploited the glaring lack of Journey data in my pea-sized brain. No sweat! At least I was able to drop some knowledge about my favorite U2 album (Achtung Baby!), not to mention that boozey crooner Sammy Hagar. In the end, I lost of course - but this time only by one (1) point! That ain't too shabby when you're playing Demm, who rattles off modern music facts like Dustin Hoffman deconstruced People's Court' episodes in Rainman. But once he handed me my ass on a platter, he did me a solid by asking me to plug this very blog on-air. Thanks Demm - maybe now I'll be monetize this little endeavor, instead of trading in my time and dignity for a chance at winning a little lunch money. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go reread Hammer of the Gods, lest there be a shark incident question the next time I make it past your screener...
(Still reading this? Wow - you must really be bored! Go kill a few more minutes of your miserable existence by listening to the aforementioned trivia showdown. Just go to the Two Guys Named Chris page, scroll down to the Put Up or Shut Up section and look for my name. Then ask yourself, "Should I be bothering with this while our country's financial woes drag us into the crapper?" Just a thought...)

Monday, October 06, 2008

Strictly Fictive...

“That’s not how he died!”

Cecile’s words hung there in the stale trailer air, slowly floating toward the pockmarked ceiling as the woman in the housecoat gaped at the once pretty reporter. Behind the camera, G. Lee dropped his head and tried to assume the shape of his tripod. That. Bitch. He could only stare at the frayed green carpet as he fully absorbed what his partner had just done. Why would she do that? Shaking his head slowly, G. Lee realized he already knew. Cecile couldn’t help it. Whether she was yakking uncontrollably in her cell phone, shouting intimate details across a crowded newsroom, or dredging up the name of her dead husband, the woman was physically unable to keep her mouth shut. He’d known this for years, of course. It’s why she was so damn effective. However distasteful, Cecile’s nosey nature and inability to be ignored made her a formidable reporter, the last person you’d want to see knocking on your company’s door if you were embezzling funds or diddling an assistant. But scandal was never enough for Cecile. She preferred fatalities. Why else would she volunteer to climb every widow’s porch that popped up in the Tri-City region?

Over the years, G. Lee had pointed his camera at scores of reporters. Beauty queens, policy wonks, circus clowns: to a person they’d approached grieving family members with a mix of resignation and dread. Not Cecile. She seemed to thrive on heartache, swooping in on hapless survivors like some overdressed angel of death. It was the same pitch every time. Barging in, she’d feign sympathy, drop a few details of her darling Nelson’s untimely demise and pronounce herself a sister in sorrow. More times than not, the families would relent instantly to the loud woman’s seduction; agree to wear a microphone, cough up a picture or two of the recently deceased. That’s when G. Lee’s stomach would usually turn; not just because of her unsavory tactics, but because she was so damn good at them. Mostly, he avoided her. But that schmuck Hoyle had called in sick this morning, forcing G. to load up in a live truck and accompany Cecile to her latest dayside atrocity. Now he was hunched over his rig in a poor family’s living room, as Cecile insisted on telling a blubbering mother that her son hadn’t perished on scene, but had suffered for hours at the hospital before the car wreck’s injuries killed him.

“W-w-what do you mean?” the woman in a housecoat asked.

“Well,” Cecile said as she glanced to make sure the camera was rolling, “the trooper told me Davy was still alive when they loaded him into the chopper. Said he lasted three more hours before - you know - the internal bleeding was just too much.”

With that, the room erupted. Mother collapsed in a heap of grief, wailing in a way that always reminded G. Lee of his very first drowning. He tried to console her, but before he could fully stand up, a beefy teenager in a Mark Martin t-shirt rushed in to the room, saw his Mama in pain and yelled something over his shoulder. Suddenly the room was full of men folk, each a head taller and a good deal wider than the news team combined. One of them grabbed G. Lee’s camera and tried to lift it off the tripod, but the heavy sticks came with it, slowing him down long enough to allow G. Lee time to grab it. Together they wrestled it toward the door, as more male family members poured into the room from the back of the mobile home. Cecile tried to placate the crowd, but too many people were yelling for words to have any effect. All G. Lee could do was clutch his gear to his chest as the angry cousins, brothers and kin bounced him from one beer belly to the next. Mercifully, someone opened the trailer’s screen door and he and Cecile were shoved down the rickety steps, their wireless microphone flying out behind them. The men folk followed, chests expanded, fists balled up and breathing fire. Still believing she could make everything right, Cecile begged the man to 'just listen' to her. But they’d had enough of the intruders and were about to further demonstrate their displeasure when G. managed to pull his reporter free.

“Cecile, GET IN THE DAMN TRUCK!”

Surprised at her photog’s tone, Cecile relented and stomped off toward the live truck. G. Lee turned and tried to apologize to the men, but reconsidered when he saw one of them fingering the snap on his Leatherman case. Bending to pick up the microphone, G. Lee shoved it into his runbag and trudged off after Cecile, hoping he’d make it to the truck before he was felled by any flying pocket knives. When he climbed into the driver’s seat thirty seconds later, Cecile was buckled up and fumbling with her precious cell phone. Snatching it out of her hands, G. Lee threw it into the floorboard and leaned uncomfortably close toward his on-air talent.

“I swear Cecile, you ever pull shit like that again and I’ll gut you like a fish and call your kin while YOU bleed --

G. stopped himself, suddenly aware he was threatening a coworker. Leaning back in his own seat, he cranked the key hard, dropped the lumbering beast into Drive and flung dirt as he left the trailer park. Beside him, Cecile only stared through the windshield, a shocked expression struggling to pierce through her Botox injections. They made the trip back to the station in utter silence, but G. Lee knew that would end just as soon as Cecile made it back to the news director‘s office.

After all, the woman just couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Prawnapalooza

Leaning Tower of Stew A job like mine requires a thirst for adventure, an endless zeal for life on the periphery. Why just yesterday, I had to climb a ladder. Okay I didn't have to, but as a card carrying photojournalist I'm compelled from within to get high. Let me rephrase that: As a gatherer of electronic vistas, I'm aesthetically obligated to take any position available to Get. The. Shot. If that sounds obsessive, you've obviously never sat in an edit bay wishing you'd rolled just a little bit longer. If you had, you'd know there's never a good reason to pass by a step-ladder - especially when God just leaves them lying around like that. Thus, when I spotted a series of rungs standing by that giant prawn hole, I ascended them, knowing the view from above would well be worth any chance I might come crashing down. Cavalier? Perhaps. More than a little dorky? Sure - but it's all part a da job. Besides, heights makes my head all tingly. Some people hang out on street corners to score that sensation.

Falling PrawnAnyhoo, enough about me. Let's talk prawn. You know... PRAWN: big-ass freshwater shrimp, the kind featured on fancy menus the world over. Farmers nearer the Coast have been raising these succulent crustaceans for eons, but here in the Piedmont a life-sized prawn operation is unique enough to make the evening broadcast. Hmm? No, smarty-pants, it's not that slow a news day. I'm sure while I loomed over the aquaculture, there were all sorts of bloodshed and subterfuge erupting in the naked city. But if you've read this blog long enough you know I'm no scanner hound. Rather, I'm a purveyor of fluff, A fan of repetitive action, a lover of natural sound. Friday's story had all that, not to mention a compelling backstory of a sweet people making the most of the old family farm. You can't get that by the yellow crime tape, and even if you could, they wouldn't feed you this good. I only wish my producers had given me more air-time to unspool my oversized shellfish drama. After all, I risked my life for this drivel...

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Letters, We Get Letters...

Thunk MonkeyOkay, so it wasn't a letter, but a high school student with an interest in the business did message me with a not so rhetorical question:


“What are the 3 most important skills you use on a daily basis?”

Time Management


I don’t care how good you are, if you get lost in the process, distracted by the details or overly enamored with one aspect of the job, you’re gonna miss slot - which is tee-veese for ‘Turn in your logowear” So watch the clock. Learn how long it takes you to accomplish individual tasks and shave off seconds whenever you find yourself growing comfortable. If a deskbound expert tells you it only takes an hour to drive to Bleeding Gums Junction, don’t believe it until you’ve made the journey yourself. Also, it does no good to shoot tons of footage of Osama’s library card if you leave yourself no time to travel, feed, log, edit or write the report your promotions folks are already misconstruing down the hall. Yes, proper clock administration will save your bacon every time. Take me for example: I'm a decent shooter, competent editor and serviceable writer, but nine times out of ten I get the more visual assignment because the suits know I'll low-crawl through a cesspool if that's what it takes to slay my deadline. That ain't genius; it's simple logistics.

People Skills

I'm a lousy typist. They'll never write textbooks deciphering my lighting style. I used to have a raging wide-angle lens addiction. But I can swoop into a room with a half a TV station on my back and still put eight out of ten people at ease. How? By never taking myself too seriously. Too many times I witness colleagues and competitors shoot their stories in the foot by overexplaining what button they're about to press, by acting as if their upcoming lunchbreak trumps whatever the interview subject might have to say, by worrying more about impressing the bigwig in the crosshairs than whether he's even in focus. It's a simple lesson in social graces they obviously don't teach in J-School: Be Nice. So if you're berating some secretary because she insist you sign in, if you're arguing with a brain surgeon because he doesn't agree with the magazine article you memorized on the way to his office, if you're upbraiding the donut lady because she blocked your shot at the polling place, remember, you're not being clever; you're being a dick. And everyone - from the zoot-suited CEO to that guy with the phlegm on his shirt will trash you when you leave.

Looking Ahead

Hey, nobody's asking you to foretell the future, but if you can't read social cues, recognize dog and pony show patterns or learn from the last dozen assignments you stumbled through, you're not going to last very long as pursuer of news. It's an old rule of photography: be there when it happens. That means guessing which route the Governor will use to leave the room, synchronizing your pace with the mailman you're profiling, even attempting to mind-meld with the diddling Dentist who's trying to lose you in that courthouse corridor. But looking ahead goes well beyond simple camera management. Knowing the kind of questions your boss would ask the defrocked sheriff comes in handy when you got the fallen lawman in your sights - not after. Hazarding a guess as to how long those cyclists you're chasing will ride before taking a break saves alot more than shoe-leather. Realizing that three PM city council meeting can lead the five o clock news only if you get some sound before the gavel drops will make you a hero in the eyes of those who stack the shows. Maybe they'll tear themselves away from the Facebook accounts long enough to sing your praises...

And, oh yeah - always make sure the camera is in the back of the car. You don’t want to roll up to an out of town warehouse fire only to realize your rig is back at the station. Trust me.