Sunday, January 27, 2013

For Your Consideration...

Randy Scrum
Brash nameplates clash with my drapes, so I don't go for trophies. If I did, I'd love a nod for Best Use of Handheld in a Randy Jackson Camera Scrum. I know, I know: it's a tough category. But, I've been poring over the submissions list and I feel pretty good about my chances. After all, I worked the Charlotte auditions LIKE A BOSS! I recorded every staged utterance within fifty feet of an idling Escalade, put up with Mariah Carey's lighting spy and only snaked three Cokes from the Idol crew cooler over a thirty six hour period. Hey, it was unlocked! Besides, this ain't my first rodeo cattle call slaughterhouse of dreams. I was workin' this circuit when Clay Aiken was in pig-tails. Really - I got Polaroids! Just ask Seacrest! Me and him and I are likethat... when his goons let me in the room. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah, hoping for podium gold come pageant night! What will I wear?

That's not important right now. What IS important is that I review my tape in totality and hone profound moments. Technically, you're supposed to turn in only what actually aired, but since it's NON-linear editing, it don't really count, do it? Honest to God, I must have drunk my weight in energy drinks that weekend I locked myself in that back edit bay... Who knew a trashcan could hold that much urine? Don't answer that! I got no time for Math. Not with this entry form... Says here I have to fill out these six three by five index cards with marketing data and return them in the self-addressed, gold-embossed envelope. First though, I gotta write a three paragraph essay on why I think I'm not wasting their stationery, then attach that to a secured traveler's check in the amount of $217.48 per entry ($74 more if you want the knife set).

Ya know, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. The competition is FIERCE this year, even with Glenn "Tentacle" Stinson on the sidelines with an eyelash injury. Word is some of the old school guys are getting back in the game. How am I supposed to score serious chrome when sack of bones from 'Star Search' won't go away? So help me, I will Gillooly one of those old coots if they get between me and my mantle candy! ... Forgive me, I'm just under a lot of stress. The contest deadline is drawing near and I haven't decided which clip to enclose with my check. Not that it matters.  My darting eyeball style is so Two Thousand and Late. These days, you gotta roll in like a dorm fridge and just sit there. Straight up surveillance. Last year a guy won for creating a civil disturbance outside "Talladega's Got Talent!'. Something about a Hasselhoff and a tire boot, I dunno. Anyway, with that kind of talent out there, I don't stand a chance... 

Though it's an honor just to nominate myself.