Warping the Fourth (in 3-D!)

With all this talk about 3-D TV coming to a cable channel near you, it's not a s-t-r-e-t-c-h to think your nosey neighborhood news crew might want in on the action. How that might further warp the Fourth Estate remains to be seen, but I'm willing to whip up a Top Ten list - if you promise not to assign me a camera the size of a Hemi!

10.) For years microphones have gotten smaller. Look for that to change as field reporters refuse to wade into even a minor scrum without one of those skinny Bob Barker numbers. How else they gonna joust for sound?

9.) 3-D could singlehandedly (triplehandedly?) save that most endangered commodity: local TV sports. Who else is gonna bring you team coverage of the high school cheerleader pyramid? You know, besides those pay-websites...

8.) Mark my word: The first time they cover a hurricane with 3-D cameras, some reporter will finally get their head cleaved off by a flying trash can lid. It should be spectacular.

7.) What good is an extra dimension without some schwag to fling into the void? Look for carrier pigeons, floppy discs and station flamethrowers to make an immediate comeback.

6.) Will that giant, acrid plume rising from the warehouse fire on the edge of town set off smoke detectors across the tri-county region? And what happens when a single marijuana extraction story gets half the Heartland high? Rhetorically speaking, of course.

5.) Journalism. It's all fun and games, 'til someone gets their eye poked out.

4.) High speed chases will get a whole new look as news choppers shoot 3-D camera drones into the cockpit of some hopped-up Nova for proper fly-around footage of whatever drunken mullet's behind the wheel.

3.) Hostage stand-off, street riot, tsunami, kindergarten Easter Egg hunt. Introduce a three dimensional news crew into either if these scenarios and somebody's goin' down!

2.) With field crews having all the fun, expect the anchor teams to demand management build them a 3-D set... Aquariums, dried ice, scepters, and over the shoulder graphic boxes that spin in and out of frame like expertly thrown Ninja stars. Look out!

and finally...

1.) Think the Weather Guy's got a God complex now? Wait 'til he can hurl logo'd thunderbolts across your rec room.

Licensed to Ill

My plans to post only polished insight this calendar year have already been derailed, thanks to a giraffe with one scratchy, spotted throat. Okay, so I don't precisely remember walking through the cloud of crystallized giraffe spit, but the fact remains that I spent a good twenty minutes ambling through the North Carolina Zoo's African Animal paddock and limped away feeling like a lesser life-form. From all that I can gather, the microbes entered through my auditory canal. Maybe that's why one ear feels like it's smuggling apricots while the other feels like it's been thoroughly blow-torched. Hey, I'm no doctor; I didn't even stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night. For all I know, whatever crawled in my hed and dies did so long before I ever made it down to Asheboro. But as long as I have a half-imagined inter-species sneeze to blame for my maladies - well, that's my story and I'm stickin' with it...

Pity, if you will, my wife. A tough little woman with a decade of ER shifts under her belt, she must contend with a husband who can smother a simple head cold in hundred dollar words. In fact, the only reason I'm able to communicate with you now is due to the fact that The Missus has pumped me full of multi-colored, magic pills. I'm not sure what they were exactly, but after swallowing them I played air guitar in the closet for an hour and a half. She say's she'll give me more in the morning - if only I refrain from complaining so much. You got a deal, honey, but if you load me up too much I may very well play Purple Haze behind my back again. But enough of my delusions. I really just checked it to check out. See, I don't feel so good. Whjetehr I wake up with a hankerin' for tree leaves remains to be seen. Just do me a favor, eh? Send someone over to check on me in a day or so. I'll be right here, licking my ankles with my new purple tongue or trying to scratch out The Star Spangled Banner on the family cat...

You may wanna knock first.

Class Under Glass

Tonight on Quantum Leap, Sam jumps all the way back to 1972 for a rollicking turn as Horace Riprock, a beefy news-gatherer with an eye for fashion. Can he win the ratings and save his station? Or will the sleazy owners turn it into a disco? Before he can find out, Sam/Horace must rescue Holo-pal Al from an aging oscilloscope, convince a bumbling consultant that film will last forever and stave off the affection of a boozy noon anchor (special guest star Morgan Fairchild), who has a well-known thing for 'slingers... 'Oh boy', indeed... (CC) 60 Min 9PM

Next Week: The behind the scenes hi-jinks continue as Dr. Sam leaps into the all black threads of alleged visionary Michael Rosenblum, moments before he takes on arch nemesis Nino in a fight to the finish cage match! Warning: Some scenes may disturb viewers too young to care...