Lies I Almost Told

When dispatched this week to 'pick up a dub', I didn't ask too many questions. Instead, I drove straight for Winston, where some friends of mine were making TV outside the Forsyth County Hall of Justice. With a name like that I always look for a superhero or two, but the only deluded loners in logos I could find were my fellow news crews going live in the rain. As they did, I stood and watched - knowing copies of the courtroom camera footage wouldn't be available until everyone tended to their Masters' habit. Ducking under a tree I daydreamed a little, remembering how simple pool situations used to be - when all you had to do was toss somebody a small-mouthed beta-tape. These days, with each station using different non-linear formats, a simple courthouse dub can be as protracted and flaccid as the legal maneuverings they document. About that time my stomach growled and I soon found myself wondering if that Chinese place across town still has those shrimp-thingies on the buffet...

That's when the courthouse door flew open and a parade of attorneys, clerks and defendants flowed out of the building and onto the sidewalk. Trouble was a half dozen TV news vehicles blocked their path and as pedestrians both dashing and bedraggled squeeze past our rainy encampment, many wondered aloud, "What the Hell is goin' on?"

By the time the third panicked face invaded my personal space, I stopped pretending I really even knew and - for just a moment - considered sharing a few embellishments...

"Gravity's been repealed!" crossed my mind, but never my lips. I might have tried it out on the skate punks that passed, had I not thought they'd proceed to the nerarest half-pipe.

"Obama instituted reparations," I almost told a guy in a rebel flag hat - but I didn't feel like explaining what 'reparations' were.

"They're bringing sexy back!" I wanted to say to a couple of busty co-eds who asked, until I remembered the El Oco logo riding my own tit.

"O.J. 's doing time for stealing trinkets." sprung to mind, but just seemed too ludicrous to pass off as fact.

"Some bailiff found Anthrax in his spit cup." I thought about whispering to a particulary nosey traffic cop, but, hey - who wants to be strip-searched on an empty stomach?

And finally, the nine words I nearly blurted out to that jumpy cat in the Tupac garb...

"They caught Bigfoot - with like SIX POUNDS OF WEED!"