A Rant from Tripod Row...

You Sir, with the thousand dollar suit and coterie of supplicants -- can we talk? Yes, I know you 'have the floor', but I got this back wall and half a dying battery, so if you'll just listen while you run through that part of the speech you nailed in the car this morning, we won't waste anybody's time. Besides, no one's listening. See Bill there, in the white shirt He may look like he's focusing, but trust me - dude's been asleep ever since you started thanking your golf buddies twenty minutes ago. Hmmm? I don't know where he learned it ... Korea, I think. But frankly, Sir - that ain't important right now. What is important is that you look good on television. Now, now - don't give me the routine about civic duty and corporate leadership, we both you know you got all four stations Tivo'd at home. It's cool; I once knew a weekend anchor who'd lock herself in edit bay with a fresh newscast and one of those huge cans of hairspray. She'd touch up her 'do as she watched herself read the prompter, until finally we'd have to lure her out with bogus P.A. announcements of fan mail in the lobby or free food in the studio. But LOOK, this ain't about the mannequins in my closet, No Sir....

This is about your staff. I don't know how much you pay these people, but that one lady's sportin' more bling than I saw at my last three drug dealer round-ups. And that cat with the Polo cologne problem... 1986 is on the phone - it wants its funk back! A-hem. Sorry, I know you're an important man. How couldn't I? Some putz in a necktie that cost more than my shoes just shoved a glossy folder in my one free hand detailing your every fraternity grudge. I'm sure he and Kinko's stayed up all night stuffing cliches in that packet, but I'm here to tell you it's all for naught if you don't stop letting some third world hermit set up your $#%&$ pressers! You've seen television, right? You ever catch that scene in Close Encounters where the space alien emerges from that blinding light and weirds everybody out! That's exactly what you're gonna look like if you don't get away from that plate-glass window! And don't even suggest the 'conference room'! It may feel all regal when your lording over your staff, but I've seen airport bathroom stalls with more warmth. And that noise! I realize this is a recycling plant, but did we have to set up right next to the scrap-metal shredder on bent silverware day????

Hmm? Speech over? Questions from The Press? Naah, I'm late for a ribbon-cutting across town. They're unveiling new coffee flavors at the airport lounge and they wanna talk about it out on the runway. Should make for some good lip-reading...