LR's Guide to Newswriting

Steve Safran of the indispensable Lost Remote has been positively on fire lately, waxing funny and philosophic on the emerging state of the New Media. Along with fellow insider/gadfly Cory Bergman, Safran deconstructs the never-ending news cycle with speed, precision and several pieces of flair in plain view. A recent dispatch, the Lost Remote’s Guide to New Newswriting, seeks to update some outdated news phrasing with the usual droll results. While I cannot condone or corroborate any of the following, I do reserve the right to chuckle knowingly. See if you agree:

"We interrupt this program to bring you a Special Report":
OLD: The president has been shot.
NEW: A cute girl is missing.

"Breaking News":
OLD: The president will resign.
NEW: There's a car on the side of the road with a flat.

"Exclusive"
OLD: We are the only people he would do an interview with.
NEW: We are the only people he would do an interview with from 7:43 am - 7:48 am.

"We have a crew on the way."
OLD: We have a crew on the way.
NEW: We just saw the story on the other channel and we're calling in our truck guy from his day off.

"We have new details..."
OLD: We have found out additional facts that are new and pertinent to your understanding of this complex story.
NEW: We got nothin', but we're rewriting the copy in the present tense.

"Our Team Coverage"
OLD: Four reporters on a big story that requires several locations to tell properly.
NEW: Eighteen reporters on a non-story, possibly standing within inches of each other.

"We are the number one news station in town!"
OLD: We won in the ratings.
NEW: We won in the ratings among 34-59 year old middle-income white females earning $34,500 - $52,875 with two or fewer kids who are expected to purchase shoes in the next quarter.

Funny stuff. Now if only these brain surgeons would list me in their media sites...