As Seen on TV

YOU THERE, lounging in that office chair, how'd you like to work off those winter pounds without ever stepping foot in a smelly health club? Care to crisscross the globe - or at least the six closest counties? Wanna be a first responder, but not really help anybody? Have I got a job for you! TV News - that fleeting discipline known to millions and loved by dozens could be your ticket out of that comfortable cubicle farm! Who needs coffee breaks when you could dine daily on fresh tragedy, an endless buffet of broadcast clichés and enough live truck generator fumes to fool you into thinking you're making a difference in the community. Not only that, you'll fatten your closet with garish logowear, build up those apathy callouses and slim down that pesky wallet! But wait - THERE'S MORE!

Take advantage of this special offer within the next ninety seconds and we'll whisk you away in an authentic TV news live truck that smells of flopsweat and cheesy poofs! Once onboard, you'll enjoy the latest in yesterday's technology! Lights! Cameras! Laptops! Grizzled specialists are standing by to school you in every aspect of 21st century rumour-mongering! You'll learn firsthand from hollow-eyed pros how to simplify complex issues into cheeky bromides, how to fillet footage 'til it's relevance-free, how to stuff a minute-fifteen of nearly free airtime with the kind of sights and sounds that illustrate, distort yet say nothing at all! But don't take our word for it - ASK ONE OF OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS!

On second thought, shut yer piehole! That way you'll be sure to soak up every syllable of available copspeak - all while reveling in the joy of working holidays and learning to chain-smoke! Soon you'll be the hit of the cocktail party circuit with your true-life tales of crime-tape flatulence! But that's not all! Call within the next commercial break and we'll throw in the handy-dandy fast food identifier kit! Before you know it you'll be reciting dollar-menu items from the safety of the interstate! No more drab salads - you'll gnosh on the latest drive-thru sensations before their tested on the general public! If that's not enough, we'll throw in a year's supply of visits to your favorite economy chiropractor! Flash 'em your press pass and they'll drop everything to help plan that knee replacement procedure you'll be needing in a couple of years! ORDER NOW and get the Soul Erosion Travel Pack FREE!

(Lenslinger Industries is NOT responsible for chronic disillusionment, nuclear family breakdown, increased barbitute usage or crying jags lasting more than four hours. See your physician should bridge abutments start looking attractive. All claims, images and delusions the sole property of that skeevy guy who sleeps in his news car out back. Any reproduction of the above - whether written, electronic or via smoke signal - expressly forbidden without the written permission and paid kickback to a licensed schmuckologist. Show up at our office with an affidavit and we'll surround your loved one's home with logo'd news units and lisping entertainment reporters. No photogs were praised in the making of this ad.)