I think I can speak for every North Carolina news gatherer when I say, "LET'S DO THIS THING!" One more fluid intinerary, fake motorcade or security sweep and I'm goin' mental! Look I'm all for Democracy but you people are blowin' this thing w-a-y out of proportion. How long we been doing this? Since March? That's when a mob of hopped-up Obama-cons first bum-rushed the Coliseum Complex. Since then it's been a blur - a flickering reel of endorsement orgies, hectic pressers and a thrumming number of potential constituents. What all this simulated momentum has to do with governing our great land I ain't so sure, but if I wanted to manufacture this kind of clamor I'd go back to pimpin' American Idol. They got w-a-y cuter interns.
Not that The Road to the White House is just another reality show past its prime. Hey it was good enough for Abe Lincoln - and he wore a funny hat! Come to think of it, he didn't have an army of TV lenses wherever he went: you know, electronic interlopers in roving logos, ready to parse his every high-def syllable to a land of plasma-fatties. Sure, his wife was a little nuts, but Mary Todd Lincoln got nuthin' on Paula Abdul. That woman can traipse across a hotel lobby with a tranquilizer dart hanging from one shimmering buttock and still make the back pages of People magazine. Think what a pair of sequined jeans and some hair-gel could have done for Honest Abe: leader of the free world or a development deal with Fox. IS THIS THING EVEN ON!?!
I don't even know anymore. Each time I plug in my headphones, some John Mellencamp dirge takes over my brain and I find myself wanting to pull a Gillooly on the nearest Republican or buy a pick-up truck, I'm never sure. What I do know is all this primary hype is gonna leave a mark on the Old North State. From Murphy to Middlesex to Manteo, local news-yokels are thrusting their logos toward a global showdown, the first real American Presidential election in The YouTube Era. How lucky we country bumpkins should feel that it passsed through our state, I suppose. Maybe I'll feel that way in a couplel of weeks when I'm back to stalking strawberries or some such. For now I can only hope for a smooth Tuesday with nary a hanging chad in sight. Otherwise me and every photog I know are driving you excitable types straight to Indiana. Buckle up!