Monday, October 23, 2006

Schmuck Watch: Kenny's on the Mound

Detroit Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers is reportedly bringin' the heat in this year's World Series and we here at Viewfinder Blues couldn't be more dismayed. Why? The man's a knuckle dragging oaf - an overpaid barbarian short on chromosomes and prone to childish tantrums. How else can you explain his intense hatred of TV cameras - the very tools that help publicize his globe-shattering ability to ... throw a ball really fast? Without those ubiquitous lenses, chances are this pampered millionaire would be back in Whose-ville, peppering underage bat girls with pockmarked softballs whenever things didn't go well on his hometown mound. Instead he enjoys the jet-set adulation of the super-rich, all while turning the act of being a complete ass into performance art. In other words, Me No-Likee Kenny Rogers. It's because of that eloquent thesis that I will force myself to keep a distant eye on the World Series - an athletic event I'm usually only dimly aware of - if only because it rids my station of evening newscasts every October. So be on notice, Frankenstein, cause I'm watching YOU! Hopefully St. Louis will send you back to the lab, but if you do happen to win this thing, I'll be the first to duck - should all that bottled jock-juice causes your neckbolts to shoot across the infield and take out some hapless print reporter. Schmuck!

Oh yeah, GO CARDS!


spcoon said...

kenny rogers *is* a tool.

personally speaking, i've been waiting for a line drive back to the mound to "fold" kenny's hand ever since his ill-fated stint with the yankees.

Anonymous said...

Looks like he may have a little pine tar issue going on. the scrutiny couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I don't care for either one of these teams, but Go Cards! I hope they win it just so Kenny won't.

Beltway VJ said...

Please Pimp me, I've been looking for a man to take control of my life ... If you need a pic, you can snag it off my page. Thanks for the kind words. Hope all is well