My Other Car's a Submarine

Hey, remember that time I fawned all over that War Journalist action figure and a few of you actually pitched in and got it for me? Well, it just so happens another item has caught my eye - a totally kick-ass thirty-four foot submarine! Hear me out: For a fleet 12 Million, this little fish can be all ours. It's a throwback to the dawn of submersible warfare, a modern day Hunley can forge the shallows of a riverine environment, plumb the depths of an open sea or scour the edges of a hostile harbor. What you do with it is your business. Me, I just wanna terrorize a few kayakers on Lake Brandt. Those guys really piss me off ... Anyhoo, if you're still not sold on buying us a sub, check out this package I turned on her yesterday. The TV news story itself, I'd give a 6. The ninety minutes I spent talkin' shop with a pontoon boat full of ex-Navy types as we chased a shimmering white cylinder across a freshwater quarry ... that rates a solid 9 (1 point deducted for the cameraman-hampering heat). NOW DIVE!!!

Schmuck Alert: Linda Greenhouse

Don't look now but there's a schmuck on the loose in the Fourth Estate. Actually, there's whole roving squadrons of them, but I'm here to spotlight just one: Linda Greenhouse of The New York Times. Seems the lady objects to being televised. With that dour expression I can't say I blame her, but when you're a working reporter appearing before a freakin' journalism conference, you simply cannot send C-Span packin'. Yet that's exactly what Linda did the other day when she refused to take part in an panel discussion unless the cable access people strike their gear. Tragically, the event organizers buckled under Greenhouse's considerable pout and sank a dagger in the back of the quietest camera crew in town. Et tu Brute? And what about you, Missus New York Times reporter? Don't wanna share with the group? Too accustomed to dropping your bon mots on a room full of chortling insiders to brave the white hot spotlight of a few daydreaming C-span techs? Hey, that reminds me, Book TV's on. I gotta go. Oh yeah ... Schmuck!

(Thanks to Mark on Media)

'Roll!' by Rich Underwood

While I've been feeling sorry for myself, another TV news photojournalist has kept his eye on the prize. Rich Underwood, veteran television director, cameraman and part-time educator has penned a hefty tome on the state of Electronic News Gathering. Roll! features interviews with TV news vets, practical shooting advice and hopefully a war story or two. Cover to cover, its 416 pages of words about the pictures and sound we harvest every night. A respectful dip of the lens is in order. With so many on-line video 'experts' rushing their own manifestos into print, it's heartening to see a broadcast journalist assert his mastery of the craft. I only wish it were me. Actually, several folk have suggested I attempt to assemble a manual of sorts, but I've always dismissed it for fear of the arduous research it would take. I guess now I can scratch it off my list altogether. Still, if I ever did write a textbook, I hope it would be the TV news equivalent of this.

Too Hot to Jot

Hey, what's more fun than a triple-digit blast of heat and humidity? Writer's Block! That's right, just as the mercury pushed past a hundred degrees, I rushed out and contracted myself a whopping case of lyrical constipation. Thus, I'm sweating buckets by day and staring at an empty computer screen by night. THIS SUCKS! Just how am I supposed to deal with the Biblical stickiness of an unGodly August if I can't at least bitch about it on-line? Sure, nothing's stopping me - but for a guy who's used to blithely transcribing the voices in his head every night, this silence is truly deafening. I can only hope it won't last, for soggy underwear and an arid imagination make for a grumpy lenslinger - and who wants that? Not my wife...

Psychoanalyis aside, I cannot figure out what's go me so ... stuck. Could it be that those droplets of sweat that pour from my brow each contain valuable writer's DNA? Perhaps I've just wrung my brain of every scenario it had to offer. Or maybe - as one co-worker cheerfully suggested yesterday, my blog and I have simply peaked. Ouch! You know, when I think about it, that's a real possibility. Over the past three years I've written on-line just about every night. It's been wonderfully therapeutic and at times downright easy. But lately, my torrent of thought has dried up and I find myself grasping for ways to fill the page. That's happened before, but never to such a maddening degree. And it truly is maddening. Words have become my sword and shield and without them I feel unarmed if not naked. And trust me, no one wants a naked lenslinger. Not in this heat.

Ya know, maybe that's it. The crushing humidity that I so assiduously exxagerate has finally lived up to the hype. How hot is it? Well, every open door feels like an oven blast. Heavy air drapes onto your every pour as your very eyelids slide down your face. Take three steps outside and you feel like you've crossed the Sahara - sand in your mouth, clothes soaked, hazy apparitions in the distance - and that's just in the station parking lot! Heave a TV camera onto one weary shoulder and you'll soon feel like an overburdened packmule stumbling through some sun-bleached gorge and looking for a shady place to die. If that's overselling it, you ain't been outside lately - and dashing to the car during your lunch hour doesn't count. Nope, to truly appreciate this swelter, you gotta stay out in it, just like all those Southeastern news crews who've spent the week crafting Profiles in Sweat.

You know ... those winking, cliche-ridden news reports about your neighbors who have to work in the heat. Next time you watch one, do me a favor and get close to your set. Chances are if you take a big enough whiff, you can smell the photog responsible. I know I left some funk on the past three stories I did: the ninety second opus on a high noon salsa tasting contest, my extended coverage of the truly scary folks camping out for the Hell's Kitchen audition, even yesterday's turgid account of air conditioning repairman scrambling to fix all those neglected, wheezing units. Man, those guys know how to perspire! And that's alot coming from me, for I sweat like a fat man in a too-tight gorilla suit. It ain't pretty, but neither is this blinking cursor that taunts me every night. 'Peaked'. PFFT! I ain't got time to peak. I'm way too busy griping about the weather and secretly wondering when my muse will return from summer vacation. Stay tuned...

All the World's a Stage

Forget all those buttons you gotta push, the hardest part about working a TV news camera is knowing where to put it. Take this shot of a Vegas attorney glowering at a few volumes of his law library. A staple of any law office, those heavy books in the foreground instantly contextualize the interviewee: He is so obviously a lawyer; albeit one with a slight case of indigestion. Thus, the photog responsible should be commended for so properly framing his subject ... unless of course said shooter stacked the books himself - in which this case, he did. It may not seem like a big deal to you watching at home, but to those of us with tripod blisters, it represents a fundamental debate over what we're out there doing with our cameras in the first place. Don't believe me? Check out the four pages of piss and conjecture this rather pedestrian shot is generating at on-line watering holes. But you'd better pack a lunch, some of those photogs are long-winded...

You didn't read the whole thread, did you? That's cool, even I skimmed over parts of it. The core of the argument is: What some cameramanthropologists consider harmless room rearranging, others call shameless 'staging' - a taboo practice among those committed to shooting the truth. But then again, what is truth? Is it a homeless shelter director swathed in perfect three point-lighting? Is it a stroke victim hobbling alongside some nodding reporter in a backyard rose garden? Is it a swim team coach hamming it up with a wireless microphone attached to the whistle around his neck? I ask these questions because it is easier than answering them. All three scenarios are variations on the kind of themes I've been shooting for going on eighteen years. In that time I've committed every kind of cinematic excess there is, until I whittled it all down to minimalistic schtick.

Of course you have to strip down your production techniques when you roll through the door alone. How else ya gonna squeeze through the threshhold? Most days I travel light and fast, with just enough tools to capture reality with flare, not stage an off-Broadway re-imagining of CATS. Sure, I'll kill the overhead lights, tweak your blinds and ask you not to squint, but I'm not about to fudge up your feng shui. That's for those Dateline crews - the ones who spend whole afternoons replacing the detritus of someone's hovel until the setting glistens with their trademark sheen. I'd much rather contort my lens and self around the existing clutter, find the best way to showcase the true environs of whatever talking head I'm pretending to listen to. That's not to say I've never shifted a knick-kack or two. Was a time I insisted on shooting every interview at a crazy Batman angle with purple light shooting through whatever office plany I could round up, but we all go through phases, right?

Don't bother answering. Just know that we TV news photogs put an alarming amount of thought into the images we serve up every night, both those we garnish and those we don't. Now if you'll excuse me, I goota go rustle up a giant thermometer and the backseat of an abandoned Buick. What, like you've never done it?

In Search of Ill Chili

Ever bum-rush a convenience store counter with a camera on your shoulder and a health inspector by your side? I spent yesterday doing exactly that and while it didn’t shatter my malaise, I did giggle a bit. You would too, if you spawned the kind of reactions I did today. From the flock of migrant workers who fled their shade tree luncheon as soon as I popped the tailgate on Unit 4, to the young mother who threatened me with a beat-down should I foolishly point my camera at her ‘hot-mess self‘, to the geezer by the freezer who insisted on giving me unsolicited directions to US 421, it was a great day for a connoisseur of the absurd.

It began, like so many good stories do, with a hot dog chili recall. Seems the fine folks at Castleberry’s dropped a little botulism into their marquee condiment and before you could say ‘Roll that beautiful bean footage’, a full blown recall was in effect. Bulletins, buzzers and a few belches rang out as the Department of Agriculture scrambled their forces to yon horizon, in an all-out quest to find, document and eradicate the troublesome foodstuff. Trouble was, Castleberry’s makes an uncanny canned chili; its popular Bunker Hill brand considered an essential accoutrement for the self respecting frankfurter. Aghast at how much sour chili still sat on shelves, the Ag Department goons called for back-up. That’s where I come in…

“Sir, I’m from the Department of Health. Can you show me to your hot dog chili?” A tiny, otherwise wisecracking woman, Sandy Ellington was all business at the counter. It worked too. Every time she approached a hapless cashier with her just-the-facts demeanor, they politely complied, few ever asking about the goofy cameraman trailing her every move. I can accept this kind of reality suspension on an episode of COPS, where not once so they show the shirtless felon look directly into the lens and ask “Just who the &^@% are you?”. That’s happened to me plenty, so much so I’m a little surprised whenever it doesn’t. This time I’ll chalk it up to Sandy’s authorities softness. I guess when you’re being quizzed about the squalidness of your toppings by an insistent Den Mother, you don’t notice the dude behind her with the loud shirt and heavy lens.

In the end, Sandy got her ill chili and I got my story. Along the way we visited wildly diverse retailers, from the squat brick building at the corner of Crackpipe and Drive-By, to that roughneck outpost just off the highway, to the Middle-Eastern feel of the little gas station at the end of Dingleberry Road. Only twice did I get any static, once from a gentlemen who felt my presence was delaying the purchase of his forty ounce adult beverage (I acquiesced. He imbibed.) and an ugly brush with a cashier’s wingman (You know, that creepy old dude who hangs out by the register and pulls Marlboros through the hole in his throat?). Seems Tex didn’t like Sandy’s questions, the logo on my lens or the cut of my jib. Profanity ensued. Sure, I could have stuck his dumb ass on the news, but hey - I’m a uniter, not a divider.

Vaudeville In a Box

Shrinking lenses, magic laptops, on-line video - it’s an exciting time to be in television news ... then why the hell am I so bored? Wait! Don’t answer that. Just sit back and read and we’ll both get through this. See, I’m on the cusp of my Late Summer Malaise and the only recommended treatment is to pound out my every frustrations on this coffee-stained keyboard. According to my wife, it’s nothing new. Every time July turns to August I get waylaid by the crushing heat, the thankless grind and all those vacationing newsmakers. Soon I find myself skulking about the newsroom fully disengaged, cloaked in melancholy, utterly apathetic to anything outside the white-hot focus of my daily assignment. Yes Sir, I’m a real ray of sunshine this time of year.

Okay, so maybe it ain't all the weather’s fault. Rain or shine, I been over my chosen profession for a good five years or so now. Chalk it up to arrested development: a prolonged sense of career stagnation brought on by the feeling your best TV news stories are somewhere far behind you. For what it’s worth, I know that’s not the case, but its awful easy to feel that way when you’re babysitting hair-do’s at The Felony Factory. I’d much rather be off by myself in Unit 4 somewhere, erecting vignettes no one deems very important (not counting of course the newscast producer, who counts on me to fill ninety seconds of real estate each night). It’s on those solo forays only that I find redemption. For better or worse, I do my best work all by my lonesome, a condition I blame squarely on my very first news director Roy Hardee - who more than encouraged my loner tendencies.

Still, it’s tough being an unaccompanied auteur in a newsroom full of team players. See, most of the fine folk I toil alongside thrive on collaboration. Reporters and photogs plot their next masterpiece with unparalleled zeal, one focused on merging words while the other riffs on the visuals. It’s a great way to commit quality television but it so ain’t me. Having cut my teeth as a one-man-band who specialized in crime and grime or outright fluff, I got certain ideas about video architecture and rarely do they involve cloying two-shots or extended stand-ups. That particular shtick is all well and good I suppose, but its team coverage I’d rather view than produce. Having sad that, I must admit my co-workers regularly put their heads together to make for some very interesting Tee-Vee. Too bad I have such a hard time making myself watch any of it.

Reading back over those three paragraphs, I realize how disgruntled I must sound. I’m really not. What I am is a realist, a cynic too perhaps: a kind of reporter but mostly a photog. And therein lies the rub. Nowhere near as enterprising as our accomplished reporting staff, and not nearly as technical as our illustrious photogs, I am, if anything, justly underrated. That’s only just I suppose, payback for playing dumb camera punk whenever some toothless rube approached me with a passel of stupid questions. (‘Couldn’t tell ya man, I just drive the truck.’) Not that photogs are dumb. Far from it. But the public’s misconception that we’re merely caddies to the semi-famous makes it awful easy to go all Caveman. Sorry ‘bout that, Geico.

Let’s wrap this up, shall we? But before we go, what have we learned? Oh yes, August in the Carolinas is so muggy, your friendly neighborhood lenslinger fantasizes about life as a bank teller. I, Stewart Pittman, prefer to work alone (with nobody else!), a tactic that’s left me miscast me among my fellow broadcasters. I watch little to no local news, not counting the stuff I see in various edit bays. No longer a real enthusiast of the form, I now view my workaday life as fodder for an ambitious set of never to be completed memoirs. Resigned to the fact I may very well have peaked professionally , I still think I can out-news-gather you with one eyelid tied behind my back. I merely reserve the right to whine about it on-line when I'm done...

There - I feel better already!