Sunday, August 20, 2006

Signs Your Press Conference Isn’t Going Well

13. Ninety seconds in pretty reporter chick leans in and snatches microphone off podium, while her dirtbag partner lowers his tripod legs.

12. Your assistant didn’t mention that crouton on your cheek.

11. Rookie shooter leaves a little plastic wrapping on station’s antique light, which begins smoking, immediately triggering the overhead sprinkler system.

10. You begin to regret greenlighting the sock-puppet idea.

9. Both of the pasty newspaper guys are scribbling Chaucer quotes in their skinny notebooks and digging Sudoku scores out of their Members Only jackets.

8. The person who insisted the podium go there didn’t account for the blinding sunlight, passing freight train, inherent risk of electrical shock.

7. Blood is spilled when gum-smacking radio hacks duel to the finish in a flurry of white man roundabouts and inexplicably large microphone flags.

6. The guy you hired to take pictures won’t look at you. In fact he’s huddled in the corner with an upturned camera, licking batteries and sweating profusely.

5. Screeching feedback from rented loudspeaker deafens local sound-crew hippie.

4. Power Point System hiccup show’s project coordinator’s vast secretary fetish photo collection on wide-screen, complete with bad soundtrack, scrolling multi-text and cheesy wipes.

3. Even your most shameless suck-up isn’t pretending to pay attention.

2. There’s only one TV cameraman left on the premises and he’s in the lobby with his lens stuck to the aquarium.

1. Amplified Flatulence. It ain’t a metal band.


Jay Ovittore said...

I think it may be a Danish metal band, but don't take my word on that.

Thom Berry said...

Dead on, sir.
As one of the multitudes of folks who crossed over from the business into government flakdom, you just nailed why I don't like news conferences, especially ones that are akin to going down in warm syrup for the third time....

John Robinson said...

I'm with you except to get TV and radio reporters and TWO print reporters to a news conference, doesn't it have to be someone who is big enough to how to pull off a news conference successfully? Nah, probably not.

And you might want to add one more:
Blogger asks question that you don't want to answer. Realize that it doesn't matter what you answer anyway because he'll embarrass you. Who said those guys are journalists anyway?