Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Schmuck Update: Rogers Apologizes

In a limp display of forced contrition, pampered simian Kenny Rogers finally gets around to apologizing for last week's unprovoked assault on a television photographer. The simple-minded Southpaw, who is currently appealing a 20 game paid suspension, read from a prepared mea culpa, but was too much of a coward to field any questions from the heartless media jackals that apparently haunt him so.

"This incident was completely out of character", mumbled the Moron Millionaire, "and I think without question you know that it will never happen again."

I'm not so sure. From what I've read on the matter, Rogers seems to harbor a dep hatred for the media, members of which toil at a workman's rate to help this 40 year old toddler line his pockets. Why we would assume his trademark tirades would suddenly cease is beyond me. I say we freeze Rogers in a cryogenic chamber so future generations can get an up-close look at early 21st century primitive man. That won't happen, but the very least Major League Baseball can do is disinvite him to the upcoming All Stars Game - unless Bud Selig and the boys still consider this hopped-up knuckle-dragger to be a suitable model for their beleagured sport.

Meanwhile, Larry Rodriguez, the cameraman at the business end of Rogers' inexplicable wrath, is recovering from the incident, weighing his legal options and showing his two sons what it means to be in control of one's emotions. Hopefully, they'll soon be discussing the matter in a pricey villa, paid for by the man who's done so much to malign The Gambler's good name. Schmuck.


HockeyPat said...

How about having to explain to your kid why Rogers pitched this Sunday AFTER being suspensed.
Kids might not understand the appeal process, butthey clearly understand when someone is getting special treatment.

Patrick Eakes said...

Kenny Rogers can take his rightful place beside pitcher David Wells, who once broke his pitching hand in a fistfight at his mother's funeral.

These knuckleheads must have good catchers to work with, because they lack the brains to cross the street safely.

kalisekj said...

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I have a Hurricane Katrina blog. It pretty much covers hurricane related stuff.

Thank you - and keep up the thoughts!