I’m not one for entering TV news contests, but friends of mine spend lots of time and effort chasing those shiny mantle-somethings. Be it NPPA , The Emmy's or Bob’s Trophy Factory, the categories are all the same: Best Spot News, Best Feature, Best Series...BORING! If I’m gonna spend my time (and money) chasing accolades, give me some categories I can relate to...
INTERN DITCHING: The squirrelly little dude in the clip-on tie just asked if he could 'roll with you today'. How do you get rid of him without crushing his spirit? Extra points for mercy kills.
CASSETTE FIELD SURGERY: Just because you spilled diet Sprite on your shoot tape doesn't mean your down for the count. I've seen photogs armed only with a rusty Leatherman and sheer determination perform miraculous edit-bay tapendectomies. A timed event.
ODDEST CAMEOS: Staging schmaging, isn't that YOU walking past the camera's wide shot? From hand modeling to crowd control, how can you work yourself into the warm-body background? Special bonus for weird facial expressions of goofy limps.
COLOR CORRECTION: Your video looks great, but only because you spent thirty minutes frantically excising the sickening blue hue permeating the screen. Judging based on before and after pictures.
MOST FREEBIE APPAREL: If every shirt you own sports a station logo you may be eligible for this special wardrobe competition. Free t-shirts count, points detracted for special sauce stains.
SLOWEST EDIT: Yeah yeah, you slapped together a 12 minute documentary in 90 seconds. Big Deal! Give my blue ribbon to the cat who can stretch a 120 second story on Gardening Tips into two days of 'intensive editing'. Special penalties apply if caught dozing in the non-linear suites.
GREASY SPOON EXPERTISE: Test your knowledge of local eateries, their hours of operation, and menu items. Extra points awarded for identifying fast-food chains by building silhouettes.
FOULEST CAR INTERIOR: If you've ever spilled a cup of chewing tobacco spit inside your news unit and not stopped to clean it up, you may qualify to enter this highly competitive field. Any live animals, competitor's logo-wear or mid-seventies cheeseburger Styrofoam found in car doubles score.
OVERALL RESTRAINT: File a report on holiday shopping withOUT cash register nat sound. Cover the local groundbreaking with NO shovel shots. Simply execute a typical story resisting all cliché angles, shots and methods. Rack focuses and time-lapsed sunsets automatically disqualifies entrant.
Then maybe I’ll pony up some cash for an entry form…