The Tortoise and the Hairy

So why did the tortoise cross the road? Why, to lay a big ole steamer center-screen, of course. It's been awhile since a shelled herbivore has defecated on cue for me, but then again I don't get to the North Carolina Zoo as much as I used to. Was a time I visited Asheboro's crown jewel once a month or so - profiling puffins, stalking sea lions, taunting third-graders. No more. Now I only head down Zoo Parkway for the occasional VIP visit. That's how I found myself dodging Cryptodira crap before lunchtime today, in hopes two Galapagos Tortoises (tor-TIE?) would issue a comment for the camera. It took awhile, but either Tort or Retort (reptile gender forever eludes me) eventually belched up something pungent into my lens. When I came to, a kid in giant SpongeBob sunglasses was asking the zookeeper what time they feed the cameraman. Suddenly in search of a Zippo lighter to stick up my nose, I fled North - where, with the help of Chad 'The King of King' Tucker's lead vocals, I turned my close encounter of the turd kind into a decent little feature. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pressure-wash my spectacles...