A Little Less Conversation...

They may smell like a bucket of wet gym socks, but I've found most college mascots to be pretty reasonable creatures. Sure, they're misunderstood. But how can you not be when you're a spherical fruit with stubby blue arms?  Where can a tiger with cereal issues go, without someone yelling "You're G-r-r-r-e-e-a-t! And who can blame a horse-headed playboy for pickin' up digits on the road? I can't! Which is why I jumped at the chance to speak with a number of them at an industry function the other day. Well, actually I was the only one speaking. Mascots are pretty quiet. In fact, they don't talk at all! Don't know why, really. Anyhoo, sitting there, listening to the minutes of the meeting not be read, I got to thinking...

Ya know, mascots and photogs aren't all that different. Both species sweat profusely, both suffer from poor peripheral vision and both know how to whip the natives into a frenzy with just the roll of a shoulder. Maybe that's why I always identified with these taciturn assassins - even Shadow Satan over there. Normally, I try to avoid fallen angels, but I gotta say, for an agent of the underworld, he's good people. I just wish he'd share some sordid road stories with me, but all he ever did is stare. Then he pantomimed my execution, much to the pleasure of the cleaning crew. Once I even asked a cheerleader WHY these creatures are so quiet all the time. She only shrugged and said the mascots didn't like to talk about it. 

I guess I should have seen that coming.

An Important Message To Families...

PARENTS,

Does your young teenager think camera crews are cool? Does he only stop fondling the remote control when the local news is on? Does she hold her phone strangely sideways when snapping a selfie? WE CAN HELP. What seems like a passing interest in TV News can lead them down a road filled with potholes, potholes that your son or daughter will be expected to stop and put on television. That’s no life for anybody. Which is why we here at the Lenslinger Institute have established a unusual youth intervention program to discourage kids from even considering what was once the world’s most interesting dead-end job.

HERE’S HOW:

We blow up your kid’s phone at 3 AM, tell ‘em there’s a circus train derailment on the edge of town and we need their help. They’ll be excited at first, but that feeling will fade once our crack team of washed-up photogs arrive and throw them into the back of our very own live truck (the one with the blacked out windows!). From there we run your son/daughter through a gauntlet of real world news gathering scenarios, from the soul-draining tedium of a simulated city council meeting to virtual hurricane immersion! The shift is long but it usually ends with the kind of panic attack that will send your little hipster running straight for the nearest Coast Guard recruiter. Hey, look who’s making America great again!

OUR COMMITMENT:

Our rough but loving crew of photog-expats and rogue sound recordists are determined to make sure your little buttercup doesn’t make the same mistakes they did. Which is why we have no problem abandoning them in a Wal-Mart parking lot until they can score fresh sound on the Battle of Gallipoli. Truth is most of our staff emotionally shattered, if not estranged from their families. But that’s not important right now! What IS important is that your child understands there’s no simply future in covering yesterday’s news. So don’t get all weirded out if they come home talking about being strapped to a wobbly stepladder and handed a red-hot handycam. I can personally assure you that the Waffle House sausage grease we spray on them during the plebe period IS 100% Gluten-free.

YOUR MOVE:

Sure, our tactics are a bit unconventional, but we guarantee your snowflake won’t be pass a local news car in traffic without getting the vapors. They’ll thank you later. And considering they’re gonna be the ones picking out your rest home, it pays to maximum their income potential NOW. Ya know, studies show that every time a young adult pursues a career in TV News, a future venture capitalist dies. Our country can’t withstand that. So do what’s right and cough up the seven payments of $49.99! The sooner you do, the sooner we can frog-march your little smart-ass through the longest workday of their young lives. They’ll come back with a weird eye twitch and a major better attitude. Most importantly, you’ll rest easy knowing your children’s future is a little bit brighter - and for far less cash than even a decent reform school…

Speaking of which, did we mention the extra charge for the souvenir video?

Bum Rush the Show

Carry a TV News camera around long and someone will tell where you to stick it. Usually, you see it coming. Body language is a steady tell, pack mentality can get you killed, even your own logo can turn on you in the flash of a bigot's eye. Yup, it's dodgy out here in the shit. Which is why a seasoned news crew tries to avoid dangerous places whenever it can (9 out of 10 times, it can't).

Biker gang hangout, active crack-house, any Chuck E. Cheese: there are plenty of places I'd rather not take my gear. But when the train carrying secret government lunar juice jumps the track, crashes into the psycho hospital and creates a new breed of murderous moon zombies, someone has to try and score a sit-down with 'em.

Luckily, the television camera is a powerful weapon. It's got a pistol grip, a rolling barrel and crosshairs to spare. Aim it at the right person in the wrong way and you could instantly alter their life. Folks know it, too, and whether they admit it or not, the mere sight of a casually carried camera can affect their every behavior.

Don't believe me? Roll into a water park with your lens aloft. You'll see Soccer Moms who can't swim throw themselves in the deep end - all so you won't put their least favorite body part on the evening news. Walk through a reality show audition tent with thing on your shoulder. You'll come out of there with whole new relationships! And the urge to shower.

But you don't have to head to Hollywood to feel the white hot hatred on display at the nearest political rally. (Sad!) Or the steaming resentment coming off the early morning workout crowd, just because you barged into their gym with a live TV camera and a reporter dressed like some kind of weird love elf.

"You there, with the bulging eyeballs and barbell on your neck, put that silly thing down and come tell the good folks of the Upper Valley Heartland Crescent just what Valentine's Day means to you!"

 Looking back, we were lucky to get out of that one alive.

Found Footage: The Lost Interview

I was - AHEM - googling myself the other day when I stumbled across this previously unseen clip. It's an excerpt from last year's podcast with Christian Parkinson, a ten minute dirge in which I prattle on about hoarding Granola bars and driving through mud puddles. It's pretty meta, alright, but if you're into bleary dissertations about keeping cameras dry from a guy who clearly needs more sleep in his life, who am I to judge? I just wish I'd splashed my face or something before firing up the Skype thingie.

I look like my Dad on a bender.

A Message From Our Staff...

Here at The Lenslinger Institute, we believe in granting certain senior faculty members extended leaves of absence. Erratic and unannounced, these epic visionquests are a curriculum quirk unique to the field of Cameramanthropology -- as only sudden, seemingly stupid safaris can truly emulate the bug-eating wonder that is modern day news-gathering. At least that's the way our founder explained it, before fetching his boy Otto and escaping upriver. That was nearly a year ago and though we cursed his name and burned his stuff the moment he was gone, we never denied the fact that one day his goofy ass would return. Well, here we are. His Lenslocity rolled up on shore an hour ago, reeking of spent deadlines and live oysters. He won't say where he's been, only muttering something about a missing microphone and island harlots. We on the Senior Advisory Board can only trusty our enigmatic leader has been stewing in his lagoon again. That or dude scored a righteous freelance gig and he's holding out on the rest of us. Either way, the Earl of Churl is back and he seems to wanna fire up the blog again.

Stand by...

Rock the Sure Shot

What's with all these protestors blocking photographers' shots lately? That's like sticking up 'Garage Sale' signs all over your neighborhood, then getting pissed when folks show up in your driveway wanting to buy your old toaster.


I don't get it. I've been covering protests of varying degrees since the first Bush administration and I've seen a lot of goofy things in the name of dissent. But a pack of hacks raising a ruckus on public property and demanding the media look away? That's a new one.

Or is it?

In the fall of 2016, angry mobs flooded the streets of uptown Charlotte to protest the police shooting of Keith Scott. I was there among the crush of cops, clergy and anarchists one night when one protestor in particular produced of all things, a bathroom mirror. "The media needs to look at itself!", he screamed as he jammed the mirror into my lens. 'Clever', I thought, as I twisted my torso to turn away from him. But the pack of jackals around me was so tight I couldn't escape the reflective heckler and he succeeded in blocking my shot for several minutes. Luckily, I had a 'security detail' with me that night, which simply meant that a few paces behind me was an underemployed bar bouncer being paid to make sure I made my deadline unmolested. After a few inelegant gestures on my part, I got his attention and he quickly shoo'd Mr. Mirror away.

What's my point? Don't know that I have one, other than to suggest that people who protest in public should fully expect, perhaps even want, to make a headline. Otherwise, might I suggest your organization launch a letter writing campaign, or perhaps a bake sale... just don't be surprised when camera crews show up. See, this sidewalk happens to be our office and we're all under heavy deadline. We may not give one thin shit about your issue, but we care deeply about documenting whatever is about to go down. So, to quote the Beastie Boys, don't come with the rhymes that you just half-baked. And whatever you do, don't try to hide from us.

You won't like how it looks on the evening news.

Lenslinger Interview: Charlotte Media Podcast

CHARLOTTE MEDIA PODCAST: Episode 2: Stewart Pittman on life under glass

When Adam Butler asked me to be on his Charlotte Media Podcast, I thought we were gonna talk TV News. And boy, did we. But that rascally Adam slipped in some discourse and before you know it, I'd exposed myself. Man, that sounds creepy AF! Anyhoo, consider the next forty-eight minutes of your life non-returnable. It's a pretty manic ramble on my part, Southern accent and all. One past reporter pal said this particular podcast reminds her of being stuck in a news car with me on some deadline-driven dog-day afternoon. ATTICA!