Saturday, October 13, 2012

Schmuck Alert: Lash at the 'Stache!

A mumbling suspect, a judge named Fudge and one crazy-ass crumb catcher... This Schmuck Alert has EVERYTHING!

Screen shot 2012-10-13 at 9.52.57 PM
It happened in "Texoma" - one of those bifurcated states recognized chiefly by TV stations. That's where accused murderer Jerry Joe Garza makes a habit of disrupting justice any time he's dragged out of his well-deserved cell. This time, he merely mumbled profanities at the bench, prompting Judge Barney Fudge (let that wash over you for a moment) to give him thirty additional days for contempt! This irked the accused brute, but he waited until deputies marched him OUT of court to demonstrate his displeasure. In the hallway, Garza lunged at KFDX Photojournalist (and friend of the blog) Jake VanDonge. Whether or not Garza was trying to harm VanDonge or merely scare him remains unclear, but that doesn't matter, for the unwise action prompted deputies to execute a jailhouse take-down so swift, so fluid, I had to watch it like eight or nine times to fully savor it. You should too, but you'll have to visit the station's website, for they don't make their videos embeddable (embeddable?).

That in itself is WHACK, but no more so than the legal argument Garza's attorneys tried to float before their client ever rubbed the floor polish off his teeth.

Seems the lawyers thought video of Garza acting like an animal might sway future jurors, so they huddled with VanDonge and His Honor for the required wrangling. In the end, Judge Fudge (you heard me) decided Texomas's favorite NBC/FOX affiliate could keep their footage, provide that next time, they bring enough to share with the class, er, court. As for Jerry Joe Garza, well, who really gives two shits about Jerry Joe Garza? With any luck, they'll fit him with one of those masks that made Bane so angry in the latest Batman flick. In fact, there's only piece of unfinished business left. Toward the end of the piece, we catch a glimpse of Jake VanDonge - a nice enough looking fellow who's Three Musketeers mustache seems strangely out of place. WHY the twisty lip whiskers? It's all for Men's Health, you Luddite! Seems Jake grew the damn thing for charity and pretty soon he'll shave his flavor-savor for God and Country. What a guy! What a Mustache!

What a Schmuck! (Garza, not VanDonge - or even Judge Fudge! God, I could do this all night!)


Jim said...

It's as if the guards were just looking for a reason to take him down!

Paul Martin said...

Oh Yeah..! Don't mess with a tough guy's Moo'stash, less you get judged by the fudge.

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