Monday, January 02, 2012

Hand to Zod

Dear Penthouse...Whereas I usually wait until April to make my New Year's Resolutions, I'm only spit-balling here when I cough up seven fresh promises I know I'll never keep...

I vow to slow my roll the very next time I'm running late for a press conference. After all, nothing of value is ever said over a podium, anyway and if it is, those camera-hungry jackals will happily repeat it when I arrive.

I resolve to stop answering "unicorn porn" whenever strangers ask me why I'm waiting outside a courthouse with a camera on my shoulder. Too many people are whipping out their smart phones and blocking my shot.

I pledge to learn my station's latest live truck innovation NOW, instead of waiting until I'm perched on some frozen overpass with producers counting backwards in one ear and a photog buddy questioning my manhood in the other.

I promise not to collapse into three day crying jags, launch into an off the cuff rock opera or even kick-start a one man bar fight the next time some innocent passerby happens to mention how exciting my job must be.

I vow to cut back on the profanity. Hey, just because I frequent drive-by shootings, butterfly farms and the occasional evidence locker doesn't mean I have to sound like some Seventies Has-been in a Tarantino flick. Dammit.

I resolve to stop driving around on fumes. I got a company car! So why do I look down once a week from the middle of nowhere only to discover I've been on 'Zero to Empty' for 16 miles. Eventually, I'm gonna have a coronary. Or worse yet, run out of gas.

I pledge to work on my Lenslinger's Zen, to go about my day knowing no matter how many ribbon-cuttings I gotta slice, no matter how many vapors I gotta chase, no matter how many hostile rent-a-cops I gotta dodge, this silly gig still beats a real job.  

Wish me luck on that last one.


Anonymous said...

My one vow is to remember its not my TV station.... I'll do what the desk assigns... No matter how ridiculous it is...Rad

turdpolisher said...

Doing my best to remember it's just TV, dammit! The important stuff happens when I put the babycam to bed.