Editors Note:


EDITOR'S NOTE: Fresh off a three year managerial stint, your friendly neighborhood lenslinger is back on the street and under heavy deadline. As the numbing effects of his self-imposed containment wear off, vexing reflections and pithy epistles are sure to follow...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

After the Interview...

I beg of you...

Yeah, just surf around for a minute so I can get some video... Hmm? Doesn't matter what you click on I won't show the screen. I'll shoot that back at the studio so I can get all fish-eye on it. No, I just need you to act like my kids and ignore me. Just sit there and click around, never the mind the fact that a strange cameraman is hovering over you, zooming in on your every eyebrow twitch, isolating your least favorite body part. Don't be nervous. I'm not. In fact, I once shadowed a group of street performers as they prepared to jump a nearby mime and I never once broke a sweat. Hmm? I dunno - I think he was selling weed on their turf. Just do me a favor and don't look at ME, look at the COMPUTER. You can play Angry Birds on that thing, I don't care. Just give me a few seconds of silent focus or else my entire lower body's gonna fall asleep. You know, I once wanted to make movies, but then life and lack of talent kicked me square in the 'nads...now I'm here with you. Just feel lucky I don't make you do one of those weird walks to nowhere, 'cause people hate that. Hey, ya know what I hate? Folks who don't trust the cameraman when he says 'act natural'. If you'll do just that. I'll be out of here and making love to a drive-thru value meal before you can power down that laptop. Trust me. I'm a professional. I've shot chopper landings with no viewfinder, ant farm conventions without a tripod and Presidential debates without the proper press pass. I got this. Just do me a favor and stop looking over here. I got an early morning live shot tomorrow and I'm going to need some sleep before I get up and mismatch my sweatsocks... No? Can't even pretend for a moment that I'm not here? Tell ya what, sport. Just go down to the end of the hallway and walk back toward me all natural like. I probably won't even use it. Hmm? What should you do with your hands? Uh, grab a clipboard and radiate importance. Just...walk. I'll be wedged in that corner by the ferns, wishing I'd paid more attention in high school. You can act like my guidance counselor and ignore me. I'm begging you - please!

4 comments:

jhs said...

You crack me up on a regular basis. Classic!

Nathan said...

Your way with words never ceases to completely crack me up. Oh, how we've all been there!

Miami Fan said...

Bulls-eye! Again!

xl pharmacy said...

I would like to be a professional photographer. it is amazing , wonderful!!