Editors Note:


EDITOR'S NOTE: Fresh off a three year managerial stint, your friendly neighborhood lenslinger is back on the street and under heavy deadline. As the numbing effects of his self-imposed containment wear off, vexing reflections and pithy epistles are sure to follow...

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Rain on the Stare-crow

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Not in the news biz? Here's a fun way to find out what it feels like to be a (frazzled) photog. First, find the family camcorder. I know, you never even use the damn thing anymore, but that only makes it more for our little exercise Now, turn that puppy over and find the battery compartment. See it? Okay, now open it up and remove one (1) battery. Take a good look at it...now go toss it in a junk-drawer! You won't be needing that until the next neighborhood watch meeting, anyway! Now, grab the camcorder, a tape or two and just for good measure, that neglected bread-maker your wife made you buy, the lava lamp from your box of college crap and perhaps a wet and dry shop-vac. Got 'em? Good! Drag every bit of that claptrap to the garage, dump it in a lump and drape the whole thing in orange extension cord. You'll have more than enough time to sort it out later ... NOT! For now, though, the complete history of Manhole Covers is on Discovery Channel, so you'd best hit the couch...

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S IRRELEVANT, WAKE THE $%#&! UP! It's raining like The Bible out there and a herd of caribou has wandered onto the interstate! Two semi's jackknifed to avoid impact but a stuffed activity bus from the Ministry of Silly Walks plowed into 'em sight unseen! It's nothin' but quivering flank steaks and British high-steppers for miles! Go! G-O! G-O-O-O-O-O! First though, grab your gear! The camcorder, the bread-maker, the lava lamp and the shop-vac! Throw 'em in the mini-van! Yes, the one with no gas in the tank and too many dried-up juice-boxes in the floor! HURRY! WAIT! The neighbor lady's going with you! Yeah, Missus Crankle! Yeah, I know she walks her houseplants but that's not important right now. There are caribou dying on the highway! G-O-O-O-O-O-O!

Hmm? What's that? Traffic's backed up for a dozen miles and your mini-van's vertical thrusters are on the fritz? The lava lamp oozed goop all over the camcorder and now you got it in your eye? Hey, you GOT a shop-vac! And what do you mean Old Lady Crankle is waiving her microphone and a few gang signs at some bikers? Don't they know who she is? Haven't they seen her in the social pages of that free weekly? The one where she's sticking her tongue in that deejay's ear? Forget it, see if they'll comment on the caribou! And can you bring back a carcass or something for a set-prop? What do you mean you're not there yet? We've already built an over the shoulder graphic and a lower third index bar! We're calling it CARIBOUCALYPSE! Now G-O-O-O! Hit the breakdown lane and drive that mini-van like the wind! Hurry! We're taking your lava-vac-camcorder shot in 5...4...3...2...

SNORF?!? Oh...sorry. Must have dozed off there and propped my head on the keyboard. Damn Mac web-cast my dream again. At least it wasn't the one where I'm running fiber-optic cable through the sinkhole convention while Sasquatch tosses anchor-wrap at me. That one's always so hard to explain...

4 comments:

turdpolisher said...

cariboucalypse? sounds like a raggae band.

Anonymous said...

This is what passes for news these days, right?

Anonymous said...

Looks like someone's had a rough week. Perhaps a lovely Saturday single track is in order. Or beer.

30frames said...

Sounds like you should have left the bread maker and grabbed the grill and some dry rub.